It's not about me

Some thoughts on recent events.....
Met with Chris and Jae for Outside the Bowl. Seems like a great idea/organization. Love the idea of it. Love how it all started. Met Jae and his wife, Deborah, and loved them. They have such a heart for the Lord. They went through very similar things when 5 yrs ago they sold their house and went to S. Africa. So, they wanna do the same food center thing in Haiti and Mexico. Should we go? Is that where God wants us? My heart doesn't break as much for them, but is that simply because we have not been there? From the very beginning we have said that we want God to us-in-spite of us. In-spite of our desires, or where we want to go, or what we want to be doing. We told Him we want to be used by Him, in whatever way He wanted. So, is this a test? Cause Haiti seems so perfect for us, and yet not really, all at the same time. It's perfect because it seems we would really be using our gifts. Bran's gift of being able to do anything anywhere would help so much. We would be the logistics side in Haiti. He would have to think on his feet, not being afraid to act and do without being able to be in constant communication with OTB. I would have to put on my hospitality hat and talk with other churches and organizations there to see if they need help feeding people. We would pry have short term teams coming down, which at face value, is not really something I wanna do. To be hospitiable to other Americans. I wanna help the poor, down trodden, adandoned, orphaned. Not play babysitter. But, those are all things I want and don't want to do. God might have a whole other story in mind. In fact, I find it interesting I just read in Crazy Love how it's not all about me! Hello!! It's not about me. It's not about me. IT"S NOT ABOUT ME. I can say it, but can I live it? Can I go somewhere I don't really wanna go, and do something I'm not super stoked on. Yes. But I have to pray for my heart. Because I wanna help people directly, but, in reality, can I do that if I don't even speak their language? So, maybe this is the best way we can help. To help other organizations help people who need it. Is it a pride thing? I want to be right there in the midst of it, not in the background? I hope not, but maybe it is. I have been earnestly seeking God. Daily asking Him what He wants. And He keeps giving me verses that speak right to my heart. No, they don't say what I want them to say, "yes go to Haiti, no don't go" HAHA but they do say,
~"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" 1Peter 5:7
~"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" 1Peter 5:5b
~"Look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself polluted by the world"
James 1:27b
He has been so faithful to speak to me in His Word. I sometimes think He isn't speaking to me when I don't hear an audible voice. Yet, the Bible is His Word. It is the word of God. I need to learn to listen to that, because it is Him talking to me.

Christmas!!

Love it. Love it. Love it.
I got a goat for Christmas. It's kinda funny really cause I have wanted one ever since we moved in to our place, and I finally got one. However, not exactly how I thought. I wanted a real life one, and well, since who knows how much longer we will be living here, that seemed like a silly idea. So, for christmas Bran and I exchanged gifts in an unconventional way. I got a goat (from Bran) for a family in need. And I gave Bran a 'small business loan for a woman' ! So fun!! Merry Christmas to us!! I think this has been my favorite Christmas of all. We didn't really do gifts this year with either one of our families. And I loved every minute of it!

A Fair/bizarre in Oside

Here are a few links to some amazing new organizations I just learned about. They all got together to bring awareness to what is going on in other places in the world. It was held right here in Oceanside by the Pier. It is so exciting, overwhelming, and amazing to see what people are doing in the name of Jesus, all around the world!!

http://www.31bits.com/

http://www.nikawater.org/

http://www.notforsalecampaign.org/

http://breakingchains.ning.com/

Trust in Him

Crazy Love, pg 123. "Jesus was forcing his disciples to trust HIm. God would have to come through for them because they had nothing else to fall back on. This place of trust isn't a comfortable place to be; in fact, if flies in the face of everything we've been taught about proper planning. We like finding refuge in what we already have rather than in what we hope God will provide. But when Christ says to count the cost of following Him, it means we must surrender everything. It means being willing to go without an extra tunic or place to sleep at night, and sometimes without knowing where we are going"

That is it. That is exactly where Brandon and I stand right now. Unsure of where we are going- sure in the fact that He wants us to trust Him. He wants obedience from me. No excuses. This is what I struggle with right now. I feel I can say, " I am ready Father, take me" But, I wanna know the when and where. It's almost as if my willingness to go is based on that. I'll go... when I know what I am doing. He might allow some to know the details, but not us, not now anyway. He is saying, "Follow Me". He told the disciples the same thing. They didn't get to know what was next. Where they were going, what they were going to do. So why should it be any different for me? Why do I think I get to see the where and when, and then say yes or no?? It is not based on that!! It is a simple yes or no answer. I seem to get it mixed up so easily-like I might change my mind if I knew the specifics. I would have to then argue that it's not a genuine yes, I will follow you. It has a contingency plan. But, He is telling me, loud and clear- that is not really following Him then. So, I am learning to trust in Him. To really follow Him. One day at a time.

The Holy Spirit

It's funny.I don't think I have ever felt the Holy Spirit move the way He is now-and in the last few months. It could be because I have actually started to ask Him to-and when I do, he usually does. Does it mean he always has been, and I have learned to ignore him? Or perhaps I have ignored him for so long, that he has stopped whispering in my ear. Would you continue to share and talk with someone if they NEVER responded back to you? I would give up on them. Well, thank goodness He never gives up on me-cause I need a lot of grace. And He has made it clear that in order to learn about Him and from Him, I need to ask for it. So I have been. And wow. He never ceases to amaze me. Every single day, really. Sometimes it is through a verse, passage, book, sermon, song. Other times it's creation that makes me feel him right there with me.
(Just the other day, during a crazy rain storm we had, I bundled up in rain gear and went to the bottom of our land. I am telling you, God was there. In the rain, the wind, the stream that was gushing by me. I felt a small glimpse of His might and power in that storm. It made me think of Rev 4. A verse that has been on my heart for a few weeks now. I need to be consistently reminded how awesome and powerful my God is. How beautiful, majestic, and holy He is.)
Sometimes it's the way He prompts me to do or say something, and when I actually listen, I stand amazed.

Crazy Love

Crazy Love
By Francis Chan

"Stop talking AT God for a while, but instead take a long hard look at Him before you speak another word". pg1

I must confess, so often I 'pray' to God, and that includes a bunch of my ramblings, begging for forgiveness,some thanksgiving, petition, and requests. Then Amen. I am working on listening to God. Being quiet in His presence. So far, I can only do about ten minutes at a time. If I sit too long, too many things vie for my attention. I have found if I go for a stroll, or look around at nature, I find it easier than sitting on a chair in the house with my eyes closed. Strange, I think, cause that is not at all what I would have thought. This will be a work in progress, but am confident the more I do it, the longer I will be able to quietly sit before Him.

Here I am

I decided that I needed a place to write. I have tried journals, and like this option fairly well. The only problem is, I type faster than I write. Yet, the problem with typing is that I have the opportunity to go back and edit things/spell check,etc-which in turn could mean that I produce the same amount of rambling whether or not I am using a keyboard or a pen. Nonetheless, here I am.

God is amazing. I feel as if I am beginning a new relationship. The God that I have been privileged to know my entire life has not changed, at all. However, I feel as if I am just "re-discovering" Him. This has been going on in the last few years, pry the last two years really, but that is too much back tracking. He is revealing himself to me on a daily, weekly basis. I am wanting and desiring Him more and more. I get excited to learn more about Him, talk to Him, listen to him. I finally might get a glimpse of what it means to be Jesus bride. That is the kind of intimate relationship He desires to have with me. With me! Just like the one I have with my husband but better!! Better. No sin. No strings attached. But, just as with any relationship it takes two to make it work. God has made it clear he wants me, but do I really want him? Not just in a check it off the list, read my Bible, said my prayer before I ate kinda way. He wants all of me. Every part. Every thought. Every action-they all should glorify Him.

I am reading/listening to so many great things. It's amazing what will pierce your heart when you ask God to open your heart before you do those kinds of things. So, through this journey I wanna share snip-its of those things.

So, I guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll just start a new post. ! !